Growing up, we were taught to believe in certain things or hold certain values by our parents, teachers, or authority figures. While it’s not necessarily a bad thing to pass on teachings and values to the younger generation, some of us go to the extent of imposing it not just on children but also on our peers.
Imagine you have a guest invited into your house and they start commenting on how your furniture should be arranged. Sounds annoying, right? That’s what it feels like when we impose our beliefs or values on others. It’s like redecorating someone’s mind without their permission.
When I learned about personality type, we’re constantly reminded not to “pigeon-hole” people or try to impose the “Be Like Me” concept. What this means was to have a preconception about people, putting labels on them and wanting them to be more like us in order for us to like them.
About 10 years ago, I was in an MLM business. I was still working a full-time job, but I was sold on the idea of creating a “passive income” so I could quit my job. I didn’t hate my job, but that’s the idea that most MLM business builders impose on new recruits. They’re telling you that a 9-to-5 job is meaningless in order to get you on board. Typically, it’s about working towards achieving financial or time freedom. Quit your job, fire your boss, that sort of thing.
I used the same approach the MLM leaders taught me and started "preaching" to others the same way. Obviously, those who are not very happy with their current jobs were happy to be presented with an opportunity to “get out.” I was even trying to sell my best friend the idea of financial freedom. I can’t recall the exact words she said, but what she said struck me. She asked me if I’ve ever wondered if some people are happy employees who don’t mind the 9–5 and actually enjoy what they do. Well, of course I stopped talking to her about the MLM business.
It was years later that I came to the realization that I had been influenced to believe that happiness is when I don’t need to be in the office 9–5 and have a boss. But I was happy! I enjoyed waking up early, going to work, having a boss guiding or mentoring me, having lunch with my colleagues, etc. While I also enjoy my flexibility as an entrepreneur, I do miss those days when I was a corporate employee.
Reasons Not to Impose Our Beliefs or Values on Others
We've all been guilty of imposing our beliefs or values on others. We want others to behave like us, do what we do, and think like us. At what expense?Broken trust and bitter relationships?
Here are 4 reasons we should not impose our beliefs or values on others:
1. It’s a narcissistic thing to do
Just because you’re right doesn’t mean they’re wrong. Imposing your beliefs is like saying, “My way is the only way, and you’re clearly doing life wrong.” Nobody likes a “me, me, me” showrunner.
Don’t be like narcissists who think their beliefs and values are the ideal for everyone to follow. Would you want to interact with people who don’t listen to you and constantly try to take control or steal your autonomy?
2. It makes people feel that you don’t care about them
People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care. If your conversations feel more like debates than dialogues, you might be missing the point of human connection.
I remember back in high school, I had this “friend” who would impose what she likes on me. There was once I went for a weekend getaway with her. She kept forcing me to try her favourite food although I actually didn’t like some of those foods. It didn’t matter to me it was the best she ever had, I still didn’t like it. Needless to say, that was the last trip I’ve ever had with her.
3. It can be disrespectful or offensive
I grew up and live in a multi-cultural society. We were taught to be culturally aware. We don’t offer pork to our Muslim friends and beef to our Hindu friends. Apart from religious values, we also have lifestyle values that we should respect.
Once, the cashier at the checkout counter in a grocery said, “It’s just 20 cents for a plastic bag” to the shopper who probably did some last-minute shopping. He chose to hold all his items because he didn’t have a bag with him. For an environmentalist, it’s not about that 20 cents, it’s about the plastic bag. I bet he wouldn’t even want that plastic bag if it was free.
Everyone’s belief system is as unique and as long as it doesn’t harm others, we should mind our own business. When you trample on that, you risk offending them or coming across as tone-deaf. Remember, one person’s “profound wisdom” might be another person’s “bad punchline.”
4. It might cost you the relationship
While I understand a little bit of push can be helpful especially when we know it’s going to add value to people’s lives. However, if we want to persuade someone to do something, we first need to understand and make sure we’re on the same page.
I lost a customer once for making this mistake of forcing her to agree with me. She insisted on a certain design that just didn’t make sense to me. I tried “influencing” her to agree with the design I proposed. After a few rounds of arguments, she reluctantly agreed with my art direction.
Somehow, I just got the feeling that she just wanted to get it over with and be done with me. I never hear back anymore. I made a mistake by not trying to understand why she wanted things a certain way.
If you push too hard, people might push you away. Friendship, family, or romantic relationships are built on trust and mutual respect, not a relentless game of “Who’s Right?” You can win an argument and still lose a friend — hardly a victory worth celebrating.
How We Can Do Better and Not Impose Our Beliefs or Values onto Others?
The next time you catch yourself trying to impose your beliefs or values on others, try the following instead:
1. Practice Empathy
Understand their perspective without trying to fix it. Is what you’re trying to do for their best interests or yours? What’s the objective you’re trying to achieve? Do you know what their desires and beliefs are?
2. Respect Their Autonomy
Think of people as the captains of their own ships. Sure, you can share navigation tips, but you’re not the one steering. Offer insights only when they’re open to it, and remember: unsolicited advice is often unwelcome advice. Ask yourself if pushing this further can impact your relationship with this person in a negative way?
3. Ask Questions Instead of Making Statements
Curiosity is your best friend. Instead of saying, “You’re wrong,” try, “What makes you feel that way?” Questions invite discussion while statements often end it.
You can avoid a lot of unnecessary conflicts and confrontations with others by asking people questions. I made known my intention to understand and not judge.
4. Embrace Differences
If we all believed the same thing, life would be as exciting as plain toast. I personally enjoy having people who can disagree with me and then give me their perspectives. Of course there are people who disagree with you for the sake of going against you but that’s a story for another day.
Diversity in thoughts, values, and experiences makes the world richer. Celebrate the variety instead of trying to make everyone fit your mold. Learn from them instead and expand your horizon.
5. Set Boundaries for Yourself
Sometimes, it’s about knowing when to stop. If you feel an irresistible urge to correct someone’s worldview, take a moment, breathe, and repeat this mantra: “Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
At the end of the day, imposing your beliefs is like trying to make everyone like your favorite ice cream flavor. Sure, you think it’s the best, but the world is better with variety. So, next time you feel tempted to “fix” someone’s perspective, take a step back and remember: everyone’s on their own journey, and it’s not your job to hand them a map.
Who knows, these practices might just help you become a better communicator, which could improve your persuasion skills without having people feel that you’re imposing your values on them.
Recommended Books to Build Empathy and Respect Perspectives
As someone who enjoys reading, I can’t end this without some books recommendation on this topic.
- The Art of Communicating by Thich Nhat Hanh
This book blends mindfulness with communication to help you connect more meaningfully. - Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High by Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler
Packed with practical tips for navigating tough conversations without setting off fireworks. - Nonviolent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg
A masterclass in speaking and listening with compassion, perfect for navigating sensitive topics.
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