“Treat People the Way You Want to Be Treated” is a Misguided Advice

The classic Golden Rule most of us have heard goes something like this: "Treat people the way you want to be treated." This statement kept getting throw at our faces whenever we talk about effective communication and interpersonal relationships. For the longest time, I think it's downright a crappy advice.

Imagine you’re a social butterfly, an extrovert who thrives on human interaction. You love throwing parties, hosting game nights, and texting your friends about the latest thing that made you laugh. Now, if you follow this "Golden Rule", you treat everyone exactly the way you want to be treated. So, what happens when you cross paths with an introvert? 

Disaster. That’s what.

You probably think you’re doing them a favour by including them in every social gathering, inviting them out for coffee three times a week, and texting them hourly updates about your day. From your perspective, this is how you’d want to be treated. But to them? You’re suffocating them. Instead of treating you the way you want to be treated, they end up ghosting you. That'll be the opposite outcome of what you're hoping for.

My Personal Experience on How this Golden Rule Misfire

The year prior to the Covid-19 pandemic, my partner and I were going through a rough patch health-wise. Some well-meaning friends decided to follow the Golden Rule to a tee. They constantly checked in on us, asking how we were doing around the clock. While their intentions were good, it didn’t feel supportive, it felt intrusive.
We gently asked for some space to process things on our own. Their response? Showing up at our house uninvited, determined to "be there" for us. It was stressful. Imagine being physically and emotionally drained, and then having to entertain someone else’s expectations of what support should look like.
Safe to say, these friends are no longer in our lives. Their inability to respect our boundaries showed us that they weren’t really being empathetic as they were projecting their own needs onto us.

Why the Golden Rule Fails in Practice

Let me explain further why this advice doesn't hold this advice doesn’t hold up. It assumes everyone is like you! This is my biggest pet peeve, which is a clear case of trying to impose one's values or beliefs on others.

1. Different Personalities

Let me use the MBTI lingo here. What energizes one person might exhaust another. Extroverts may thrive on constant interaction, but introverts might find it draining. Imagine treating someone based on your own needs instead of theirs, your good intentions could easily be misinterpreted as overbearing.

2. Diverse Values

Some people value practicality over sentimentality. For instance, if you’re the type who loves grand gestures, you might shower a friend with gifts. But if they value quality time over material things, your effort could feel hollow. I personally feel overwhelmed when I receive gifts, I'll then feel the obligation to purchase gifts in return. But if I do know that gifts are their "love language," I'll do so at random moments, not necessarily on any special occasions as I don't like the stress of having to get something just for the sake of it.

3. Varied Coping Mechanisms

During tough times, people handle emotions differently. Some need a shoulder to cry on; others need solitude. Assuming everyone wants the same form of support can unintentionally make things worse. For me personally, being left alone works best. That's why I stopped telling people if I'm going through tough times. Their response has always been "Let's meet up and talk about it" which to me, it's making me way more stressed. I appreciate their good intentions but it's not what I need during my difficult times.

4. Cultural Differences

In some cultures, direct communication is appreciated; in others, it might be considered rude. Applying your cultural norms to someone with a different background could lead to misunderstandings or even offense.

5. Unsolicited Help

One of the biggest traps of the Golden Rule is assuming your help is always welcome. Sometimes, the kindest thing you can do is step back and let people handle things in their own way.

Out with the "Golden Rule", In with the Empathy Rule

Instead of treating people the way you want to be treated, treat them the way they want to be treated. This approach isn’t just kind, it’s empathetic. It requires you to step outside your own perspective and consider what the other person truly needs or values.

This means understanding that not everyone is wired like you. Your extroverted friend may love surprise visits and daily check-ins, but your introverted coworker might just want a text saying, “Hey, no pressure, but I’m here if you need anything.” The effort to tune in to someone’s unique preferences can make all the difference.

Here are some simple ways on how to do it:

1. Observe and Listen: Pay attention to how people communicate, what they prioritize, and how they behave.
2. Ask Directly: When in doubt, ask. A simple, “How can I support you?” or “What do you need right now?” shows that you care without assuming.
3. Respect Boundaries: If someone sets boundaries, like needing space, respect it. Don't call them when they clearly don't want to talk or show up at their home uninvited.
4. Adapt Your Approach: Flexibility is key. Adjust your behaviours based on what the other person values. For example, if a friend loves words of affirmation, try to compliment them.
5. Learn About Different Personalities: Tools like the MBTI or the Love Language helped me, and I think it can help you understand personality differences. While you shouldn’t box people into categories, these frameworks provide insights into how others think and feel.
6. Practice Emotional Intelligence: Cultivate skills like active listening, empathy, and emotional regulation. Being emotionally intelligent allows you to connect on a deeper level.

I understand some of us may have some questions or not fully agree with the approaches above. The following questions are asked of me before when I was sharing the empathetic approach, so I'm including them here with my responses.

"What if someone’s preferences are unclear?"

If you’re unsure, ask. It’s better to clarify than to assume. Most people appreciate the effort to understand their needs.

"It’s exhausting to cater to everyone’s preferences." 

Of course it takes effort. But practicing empathy doesn’t mean bending over backward for everyone. It’s about understanding what matters most to the people in your life and finding a balance that works for both of you. My personal approach is that I know I can only give a 100% care to a few people in my life and they're my priorities. For everyone else, I just need to find comfort in knowing someone else are caring for them. I'm only one person. I can't care for the world. Don't put the burden of that onto yourself. If you only have the capacity to care about two people, then just focus on those two.

"What if someone’s needs conflict with mine?"

Communication is key here. If a compromise isn’t possible, explain your situation honestly. Empathy isn’t about sacrificing yourself; it’s about mutual respect and understanding. I'm an introvert with the greatest number of extroverts as friends. I'm sure they can "survive" without meeting me all the time. I hang out with them occasionally but other than that, just knowing they're alive and well is good enough for me.

"Not everyone knows what they want."

Sometimes, people need time to figure it out. Why the need to for us to rush them to know what they want? Just continue with the basics be kind, be patient and be there if they want you to.

The Golden Rule is well-intentioned but it's too basic and ineffective. By treating people the way, they want to be treated, you build deeper, more meaningful relationships. You show respect, not just for their preferences but for their humanity.